Relationship Thoughts
05/05/2025 08:10
they struggled with change, because they had been used to their prior monogamous relationship, and struggled to fit me in due to the distance, and them being comfortable with everything before. when i tried to change for them, and when the hrt and the adhd meds brought my emotions to a stronger level, it upset them. they couldn't change for me. i believe that they tried, but change scared them.
they saw the changes that they needed to make and struggled to do so, and either they thought that i didn't have the patience for them to change, or they didn't want to upset me by telling me they couldn't change.
they thought i shouldn't be made to change for them aswell, but i was willing and wanting to. i wanted to change, because changing and becoming better people is what relationships are about. its why i started doing the check ins after the argument, because i knew i had flaws. these flaws were things either caused by trauma from past relationships, lack of experience from being younger, trauma from my childhood, and emotional and mental challenges from the new medication changing who i was without my control.
i understood that they were unable to provide for alot of the sexual and emotional parts of the relationship because of the distance. when they had told me this in the past, i had refused their offer of finding someone physically closer, because its difficult for me to build up enough trust with people to get to the point of allowing closer bonds to form.
i told them to not bring it up again, because at the time i was wanting support from them, and i wanted hope and belief that we would be able to spend time together in person again. i wasn't closing myself off to the idea completely, but it was a bad time to bring it up. tbh i think i may have been too emotionally demanding on them.
i think i have gotten too angry at them after the breakup. it hurt alot, but i think thats because the breakup message sounded like they didn't want to talk to me anymore, like they had had enough of me and didn't wanna deal with me in their lives. in this hurt state i ended up festering and hurting myself more by overthinking every small detail, and trying to find some answer or thing to blame the relationship ending on. this lead to me developing overwhelming stress and anxiety, and caused me to dissociate as a response. because i was dissociating i ended up no-longer being able to rationalise and i lost control of my actions, which ended up with me hurting them in the hopes that it would give me a "good reason" to end my life.
i still want to be able to be in a "relationship" with them. i dont think they'll say yes, especially now, but the main things i loved about our relationship was yapping, calling with each other, and being goofy and silly. i didn't require the sexual or physical parts, i just wanted to spend time with them because they meant the most to me out of anyone else in the world.