leap of faith
15/08/2024 13:43
i cant comprehend the natural urge to take a leap of faith. when baby birds suddenly realise its time to take flight they launch themselves into an unknown world. terrified of their surroundings and constantly in danger of losing it all. something deep inside of them is telling them to take flight, to find their parents and copy them. learning to find food by themselves, learning to fly, learning how to be themselves.
i try to figure it out on my own, but the mental stresses piling up from work, public, and private life leave me feeling drained. i want to learn how to exist without feeling anxious over everything, how to put forward the energy and willpower to become a better person.
i think that sometimes it would be easier to end it all, to stop existing and take the easy way out, but i know deep down that i need to keep struggling, and figuring out how to become happy with my life.
a temporary patch on my mental health
19/10/2024 06:18
recently ive been thinking of committing suicide alot more frequently. its been nearly 2 months since i left my job, i dont think i regret leaving, but i think that quitting may have just been a temporary fix to stop me from taking any drastic action too soon.
i dont think i would have lasted much longer even if i had stayed working. knowing my mental state i would have taken my life after spending time with my family after xmas.
i thought stopping work for a bit would help my mental health, i’ve felt a little less stressed but my depression hasn’t gotten any better. my dissociation has gotten alot worse aswell and i’ve had more frequent mental breakdowns. visiting my partners in america helped a tiny bit, as i felt alot more calm whilst i was there, but after coming back home recently i now know that it was a temporary patch on my mood, rather than a fix.
i know i should probably seek help for all of this but i dont want to currently. i hated my previous cbt sessions. sometimes they brought up valid points, but largely i think that it was designed to ignore the problems causing the depression and anxiety and find methods to pretend that none of the core issues exist.