i want to learn how to exist without feeling anxious over everything, how to put forward the energy and willpower to become a better person.
i think that sometimes it would be easier to end it all, to stop existing and take the easy way out, but i know deep down that i need to keep struggling, and figuring out how to become happy with my life.
recently ive been thinking of committing suicide alot more frequently. its been nearly 2 months since i left my job, i dont think i regret leaving, but i think that quitting may have just been a temporary fix to stop me from taking any drastic action too soon.
i dont think i would have lasted much longer even if i had stayed working. knowing my mental state i would have taken my life after spending time with my family after xmas.
i thought stopping work for a bit would help my mental health, i’ve felt a little less stressed but my depression hasn’t gotten any better. my dissociation has gotten alot worse aswell and i’ve had more frequent mental breakdowns. visiting my partners in america helped a tiny bit, as i felt alot more calm whilst i was there, but after coming back home recently i now know that it was a temporary patch on my mood, rather than a fix.
i know i should probably seek help for all of this but i dont want to currently. i hated my previous cbt sessions. sometimes they brought up valid points, but largely i think that it was designed to ignore the problems causing the depression and anxiety and find methods to pretend that none of the core issues exist.
i've been having more nightmares recently, most of them have been about me killing myself or dying. i know they should stop eventually as soon as i figure out whats causing them, but at the moment its terrifying to fall asleep.
i've been thinking about committing suicide again recently. i've told myself i cant do it until im atleast 30, but sometimes i feel like the longer i leave it the worse things will get.
i've been keeping myself going by having things to look forward to so i can atleast have something stopping me, but now the only thing i have left is the concert on my birthday. after that i have nothing but my relationships.
they broke up with me. everything hurts
i've been having near constant anxiety for the past week, the only times it has stopped is when i've been using all my brain power focusing on mentally challenging tasks. but as soon as those are done, it comes back immediately.
i've been pretending to feel better in the hopes that it will end up becoming true, but thats not the case. i wish i had some way to go back to being comfy, or having ways to calm me down. but the people who i trusted and loved, and who made me feel like life was still worth living have left me.
i'm constantly feeling lonely. hanging out with friends doesn't help, and no matter what i try it doesn't go away. it just keeps feels worse as time goes on. i want it all to end. i want to go back to when we were together. i loved them with all my heart.
there are things i want to discuss with my ex partners, but i know i cant, and if i do, i'm scared i'll find out that what i was fearing is true. i've been hoping that things would appear that showed otherwise, but if anything my anxiety about it has been worsening as time went on. maybe i should just bite the bullet and ask.
if i do find out its true, or if they decide to completely stop talking me for even asking, i will kill myself.
after everything that happened, i ended up trying to take my own life.
i dont know what got me to this point, or why i became like that. i don't remember being in control of what i was doing for a large chunk of time. i remember being anxious and panicky, and venting to friends for a bit, and then i planned to just try and calm myself down so i could sleep and hopefully feel better in the morning.
the entire time i was messaging them i was screaming at myself to stop. to stop messaging, to apologise and leave. looking back through the messages they dont seem like me. in the messages i sent i'm repeatedly trying to stop myself from saying anything, begging myself to just let it go and apologise so i could leave it be. but instead i continued, even after they gave me so many chances to stop. so many chances where if i was thinking rationally i would've apologised and let it all go. but i continued, until it was too late, until their feelings were hurt, until i'd managed to hurt myself.
i don't remember most of it, i dont remember leaving the apartment, i dont remember being in control of where i was going. everything is patchy and doesn't feel real. i remember begging myself to accept the call that came in from the police. begging myself to just go home. after the police came i didn't know what i was doing, i just did what they told me to, i was on autopilot on the way to the hospital, whilst we were waiting for the doctors to see me, and even after we got home. i couldn't make decisions, i just wanted someone else to make them for me, and fix everything.
i dont think i'd still be here if roomie didn't hear me leave. if they hadn't been looking out for me, i know things would have ended badly. i still feel horrible for putting them in this position, i know how traumatising of an experience it is. they've looked out for me so much since the breakup, and i dont know if i can ever do anything to repay the debt they i owe to them.
for now though, i just need to take small steps and figure out where to go next, and how to get better. hopefully the doctors will be able to help tomorrow, and help me figure out why everything went like that.
i went to my appointments today, some good stuff happened, but i didn't get any answers for the things i wanted answers for.
i got prescribed anti-anxiety meds, and they're going to prescribe me anti-depressants once they've checked everything and made sure there wont be any major interactions with my other medications. outside of that i'm going to be referred for therapy (i think?) and i’m going to be in contact with the treatment team for a while so they can keep an eye on everything.
i didn’t get answers to why my brain did what it did. i’m not sure whether that was because i didn’t explain it well enough, or whether it wasn’t the correct type of appointment for that. i was all over the place while they were asking questions, and i should’ve brought a script or something to help (and maybe give it to them). still gonna be with them for a while so i’ll try and get my thoughts in order a bit better and get something coherent written down :P
i struggled with some of the questions they asked me. i tried to be completely honest with them, but i don't know what they were thinking with my responses. i guess alot of them were a bit all over the place so it seemed like i was avoiding answering some of them. i also don't know how they felt about my introspection on alot of it. i usually tend to be quite good at figuring out what the problems i’m having are, and potential solutions to them, and i feel like that sometimes makes people feel like i dont need help. i’m going to trust them though, and keep going to the appointments, keeping ontop of the treatment, and doing my best to get better.
outside of the appointments themselves, i felt confused alot today. maybe its partly the tiredness from the lack of sleep, but i know that i’ve felt like that alot since it happened. when i arrived at the hospital i was at the wrong building initially, which made me anxious and confused. i asked a person where the building i needed to go to was, and they gave me directions, but i ended up forgetting them and getting lost again. luckily there was some nice people who walked with me to the building, and waited with me until i’d spoken to the receptionist and was fine. for some reason, even during the confusion and anxiety i’m still able to ask people for help when needed. maybe its just because i want someone to be telling me what to do right now and taking control of the situation for me.
i think thats it for now, i’m meant to be visiting family tomorrow, and i’m going to try to start updating this more frequently. this was originally meant to be a tech blog, but i guess its now a mental health blog. hopefully these get less depressing to look at in the future.
my thoughts are super muddled atm, so its hard to really figure out how to structure whats been going on.
i went to see family for a few days. partly because i was worried for my grandma, but also to give my roomie a break. i dont think i went there for myself, because i think i would've rather stayed home and hidden.
i think it was good and bad. it was nice to have some sort of normalcy, but at the same time there was alot of stressful moments, and i felt like i was close to pushing myself too hard. i figured out that i respond super badly to any slight aggression atm, and it results in me having a breakdown that makes me fully non-verbal and unresponsive. i also struggle to be around people for too long, because i feel completely exhausted and need to recover afterwards. i also found out there is a family history of people on both sides taking their own life, and none of them were successful with getting help...
i've been feeling super anxious from saturday onwards. i thought things were improving, because i felt more comfortable on saturday evening, but that was not the case. i know why i felt so bad though. it marked one month since they kicked me out, and one week since i tried to kill myself. i've always put alot of significance onto events and marking how long since they happened/until they happen. i know next sunday will be particularily hard, because it would've marked our 2 year anniversary.
i still haven't spoken to them much since the attempt. i think i've been scared of doing anything that could set off a reaction again. i know if i do try to say or discuss anything relating to the relationship it will end badly. i think i want to, but also its not a good idea. hopefully i can discuss these things with a proffessional, but i still dont trust them enough to be fully truthful with them.
one week on, and its only becoming harder. when i'm feeling low like i am currently part of me wishes i hadn't fought back and let it all go.