leap of faith
15/08/2024 13:43
i cant comprehend the natural urge to take a leap of faith. when
baby birds suddenly realise its time to take flight they launch
themselves into an unknown world. terrified of their
surroundings and constantly in danger of losing it all.
something deep inside of them is telling them to take flight, to
find their parents and copy them. learning to find food by
themselves, learning to fly, learning how to be themselves.
i try to figure it out on my own, but the mental stresses piling
up from work, public, and private life leave me feeling drained.
i want to learn how to exist without feeling anxious over
everything, how to put forward the energy and willpower to
become a better person.
i think that sometimes it would be easier to end it all, to stop
existing and take the easy way out, but i know deep down that i
need to keep struggling, and figuring out how to become happy
with my life.
a temporary patch on my mental health
19/10/2024 06:18
recently ive been thinking of committing suicide alot more
frequently. its been nearly 2 months since i left my job, i dont
think i regret leaving, but i think that quitting may have just
been a temporary fix to stop me from taking any drastic action
too soon.
i dont think i would have lasted much longer even if i had
stayed working. knowing my mental state i would have taken my
life after spending time with my family after xmas.
i thought stopping work for a bit would help my mental health,
i’ve felt a little less stressed but my depression hasn’t gotten
any better. my dissociation has gotten alot worse aswell and
i’ve had more frequent mental breakdowns. visiting my partners
in america helped a tiny bit, as i felt alot more calm whilst i
was there, but after coming back home recently i now know that
it was a temporary patch on my mood, rather than a fix.
i know i should probably seek help for all of this but i dont
want to currently. i hated my previous cbt sessions. sometimes
they brought up valid points, but largely i think that it was
designed to ignore the problems causing the depression and
anxiety and find methods to pretend that none of the core issues
exist.
nightmares
16/01/2025 12:30
i've been having more nightmares recently, most of them have
been about me killing myself or dying. i know they should stop
eventually as soon as i figure out whats causing them, but at
the moment its terrifying to fall asleep.
deadline
25/02/2025 07:37
i've been thinking about committing suicide again recently. i've
told myself i cant do it until im atleast 30, but sometimes i
feel like the longer i leave it the worse things will get.
i've been keeping myself going by having things to look forward
to so i can atleast have something stopping me, but now the only
thing i have left is the concert on my birthday. after that i
have nothing but my relationships.
.....
04/04/2025 01:28
they broke up with me. everything hurts